Eva Fight Club
by Roland Deschain
Summary: what would happen if our favourite weak willed eva pilot were to encounter a strong capable totally psychopathic man? a very vivid portrait of the human psyche and general badassedness. Come on boys and girls... try it ... you'll like it I swear.. muahaha
1. When pushed so far

Gainex owns Evangelion, like I give a shit, if they cared about EVA they'd be making us another series so fuck them!! Anno is dead and if he ain't fuck him for leaving us without. I claim no liability for any similarities to any events ideas or people living, even dead. He's got a gun to my head, so I gotta write this. so you bastards can't sue, got that?  
  
Unknown Title  
  
I laid in the fist of a giant purple robot. Its fingers squeezing tightly around my ribs and arms."op i in i" (when the air is being squeezed out of you, you can barely talk, and then it's mostly in vowels).  
  
"This is it man, this is the culmination of all that we've accomplished," that raving psychopath Shinji boasted.   
  
I struggle uselessly to breath while in the grasp of that giant monstrocity.  
  
"What isn't this what we wanted? The whole world purged, humanity clensed of its evils." he raved on.  
  
"No..." I finally manage to wheeze out "Not like this..."  
  
"It's all over man, any last words?" he continued in that cold voice of his, god I hate him, I hate myself for ever getting into this....  
  
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perhaps I should go back to the beginning, for 6 months I couldn't sleep. with insomnia, you're never really asleep, but your never really awake. It seems like everything you see has a cloud of LCL around it, over it.   
  
I went to Dr. Ritsuko's office, NERV's best and brightest doctor, and asked her to see if she could help me...  
  
"No, you can't die from insomnia...." she calmly boringly stated.  
  
"What about epilepsy? I doze off and find myself in odd places.... can't you prescribe something?"  
  
"I'm sorry, you need healthy natural sleep, get plenty of excercise and chew some valerian root....."  
  
"Please Dr. I'm in pain here," I interupted her with one last effort.  
  
"You want to see pain, go to the testicular cancer meeting down at the community center tonight, now that's pain," she malicously stated as she walked off dismissingly  
  
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The small sign set up at the entrace claimed 'remaining men together'. I shook my head oddly wondering why I bothered to come here...  
  
I sat down in one of the last open seats in this giant circle. it's odd how we can create giant robots of war, but we still can't find cures for these diseases, I guess that shows the priorities of the human race, destroy rather than create.  
  
A man was crying aloud the the group wailing about his life "my wife always wanted two children, a boy and a girl, I wanted two boys.... she just had her second child, a girl.... with her new husband.... she divourced me and took my son with her after the operation......" he burst into tears so hard at this point, none of us could understand what he was saying.  
  
The leader of the group stood up and thanked the man for sharing, and announced that now we should all pair off.  
  
I just sat there as all of the men paired off and cried on one another's shoulders. as they moved away from the circle, only one man besides me was still sitting.  
  
The big moosy got up and waddled over to me, his eyes already shrink wrapped in tears. his pecks had turned into huge bitch tits, the tostosterone therapy after the surgery hadn't been entirely sucessful, his body had upped the estrogen....... the final result was bitch tits.  
  
The big moosey who I saw's name was Bob, began crying all over me,"They're opening up my pecks to drain the fluid again next week.... I was a juicer, using steriods and shit, now my wife left me, and my own kids won't even return my phone calls......"  
  
His talk of his sons brought to mind my own father, who's never loved me, never even cared enough about me to spend one waking moment since mom died with me. he's always been handing me down to one person or the other to take care of.  
  
"Go ahead, you can cry," the big moosey offered. I found myself burying my face into those enormous bitch tits and wailing my eyes out. lost in oblivion....  
  
.......................................................................................................  
  
I woke up the next morning fully rested and feeling great. babies don't sleep this good.   
  
soon I learned that I could sleep after going to a meeting with these kinds of people, these sick individuals. these people loved me, bob loved me because he thought that my testicals were removed too. every night I died, and every morning I was born anew feeling great. it became a custom of mine to spend time with these people and cry with them, I had many different groups, 7 in all...... one for each night of the week. people will do anything to sleep.  
  
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I laid there, thinking to myself. She moved in well over 6 months ago. I think I like her, but I can't be sure. She doesn't like me so it doesn't really matter, does it? Well I guess not.  
  
I pressed play, letting the calming music of my SDAT overwhelm me in sweet sweet escape. He is everything you want, he is everything you need, he is everything inside of you that you wish you could be..... I fell into the music, hoping, hoping when the tracks had run their course, I would wake up, and find this life was only some sick dream.  
  
"Hey Wake up!!" damn I am being interrupted, I guess I won't find out if my hope is founded or not....  
  
I looked up to see her leaning over me, calling for me. I take off my headphones and ask "What do you want?"  
  
She said to me, almost sounding sweet "I'm hungry, go make me something to eat."  
  
I just laid there, looking at her dumbly and asked "You woke me up, for that?"  
  
She responded by waving her fist at me and threatening "Look at me Third Child, you will make me something to eat and it will be edible or I will kill you, is that understood?"  
  
I scurried off to do her bidding. I am such a coward.   
  
I poured the noodles into the boiling water, and stirred it slowly. well I guess life can't always be fuckin peachy or ever.  
  
I set a bowel full of the slop down in front of her and walked off. She looked at the food complaining "Ramen again......." but I was already gone. I hate my life.  
  
I walked around outside, looking at all the seemingly happy people. I stopped at a coffee shop, a place where I can get away.  
  
I sat down in a booth, ordering a moca-latte. So I just sat there thinking to myself, wondering when my life was going to change. I was so engrossed into my own mind that I did not notice when the brew was set down on the table next to me, although I did take a sip of it, my mind never aknowledged it's existence, just like the world to me......  
  
I was so into my self loathing, that I did not even notice him as he sat down across from me. I only aknowledged him after he spoke to me. "Do you know why they put LCL in Eva's?" I looked up at him, astonished by his knowledge of the Evangelions.   
  
"No why?"  
  
"because LCL gets you High, when you first get into the cockpit you are nervous and scared..... but after awhile you become calm, euphoric, you accept your fate. and then you kick the shit out of the angel and come back a hero....."  
  
He sat there staring into me, as if sizing me up, then said "did you know that?"   
  
"Do I know you?" I asked him confused. he was about medium height although well muscled, he was wearing a red leather jacket and a pair of mirror sunglasses. this look was topped off by blonde hair that shot up in small spikes from his head. what is up with this guy?  
  
"No....... you don't, but you will" He said as he stood up. He slipped a slip of paper down on the table, and walked away.  
  
I looked down at the slip of paper. there was a name, number, and a few other bits of information. "Shinji Ikari....." I muttered softly to myself.  
  
I sat there thinking to myself for hours, the sun set and fell down beneath the land, and then there was a strike of thunder. A storm was brewing, and I knew Misato would get worried if I didn't get home soon. I tiredly stood up and trudged along back to home, where I lived anyways. I am Jack's cowardly spine.  
  
As I walked through the hell-storm of lightning I continued my useless bead of thinking. Why do I pilot Eva, why am I afraid of others, why can't I fucking express myself? I am Jack's never ending stupidity.  
  
I arrived at the condo around 1 am, I had taken my time getting there. She was there, oh god I wish she hadn't been there.   
  
"Where the hell have you been dumpkoff" she asked.   
  
"Asuka, I'm sorry". Why do I keep saying that? Why can't I ever speak my mind?  
  
"You've kept Misato up for hours.......before she got drunk and passed out!"  
  
"You should be ashamed...."  
  
"I...I...I'm ti.....tired of all of this shi....shit"  
  
"Damn it you little bitch". she smacks me across the face. I still probably have the marks, it's been so long since I checked.  
  
I rubbed the side of my face and came to a decision..... "You can tell Misato I never came home"  
  
with those words I walked out of the only "home" I ever knew....and walked into life. 


	2. A friend indeed

It seems I wandered over all of tokyo 3 that night... just letting my legs think for themselves... my mind was just numb from what I'd just done.  
  
at some point I must have passed out on a park bench... cause I woke up around 5am with a police officer poking me in the side with a rather sharp nightstick.  
  
"Go back to your home kid... it's fuckin late," the officer reprimanded me.  
  
"I have no home..." I conceeded to the officer.  
  
"Oh your one of those.... just get the hell outta here before I put ya in lock up," the officer finally said as if he were making a great concession.  
  
I grudgingly removed myself from my home of the night, and walked off into the new day.  
  
It was rather cold, even with the massive global warming the second impact had wrought upon us. I stuck my hands into my pockets for warmth. they came upon a few bits of scrap change and the usual shit... but my right hand came upon an odd scrap of paper... it felt somewhat stiff and rather small. I felt around for it again and fished it out. I looked at it for a moment. Ohh yeah... that guy at the coffee shop gave it to me... told me I'd get to know him.... ahh fuck it I got too much to worry about now.... like where the fuck am I going to go? I can't go back home. I guess I better call someone.  
  
I walked over to a nearby phone booth, and I felt around in my pocket and came up with kensuke's new number. I stared at it for a moment... thinking of what to do and what to say...   
  
after a moment's deliberation, I realized that it would just be more of the same old shit... fuck it. I reached into my other pocket and whipped out HIS number... I dialed it swiftly as if I'd done it many times before.   
  
I let the phone ring on the otherside... once... twice...three times...four...it rang 9 times. I hung up resignedly, it was a stupid idea anyways. Like this perfect stranger would want me in his life any more than Asuka or the others...  
  
I was deep in my self indulging depressive thoughts... when the phone started ringing... I let it ring a few times... I picked it up.   
  
"Hello... who is this?" the guy on the other end said... or at least thats what I thought he said over the noise of what sounded like him eating potato chips.  
  
"Shinji? Is that you?"  
  
"Who're you?"  
  
"We met at the coffee shop... we talked about Eva..."  
  
"Oh the depressed guy?"  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
"Oh hey man what's been up?"  
  
"It's a long story... can we meet somewhere?"  
  
"Yeah sure... there's a bar over on 23rd... why don't you meet me there in an hour or two?"  
  
"A Bar? okay see ya there..."  
  
I hung up the phone wondering what I had just gotten myself into...  
  
I sat deep in thought for about an hour... then walked purposefully down to the bar.  
  
When I got there... He already had a table... not to mention what had to have been a couple drinks... not to be roaring drunk... but at least a bit buzzed.  
  
He spotted me and motioned for me to coem over. As I walked over and took a seat... He pushed over a glass and filled it with sake... "Have a little... It'll make ya a man"   
  
I took a sparing sip of the foreign liquid... it came down hot... and wasn't half bad... I downed the rest of the container in a few seconds and slammed the glass down as I'd seen people on TV do... He looked at me approvingly and poured me another... I nursed this one along as we spoke.  
  
"So whats up?" He asked almost as if he cared.  
  
I told him about what happened... He just started laughing...  
  
"Is that all man? you had me worried something really bad had happened... that's nothing."  
  
I told him I did think it was something and it had me rather upset.  
  
He calmed down a bit and said "At least you didn't have you dick chopped off and thrown out the window of a moving car"  
  
"Well I guess there is always that"... I admitted before bursting into laughter as he had done.  
  
"But what about all my shit I can't go back for it all" I asked  
  
"The things you own... end up owning you.... you're better off without them" He ranted on as I listened intently.  
  
"Now I have a question for you... Do you know what a Duvet is?"  
  
"I don't know I think it's a comforter..."  
  
"It's a blanket... simply a blanket...Now is knowing this essential to our survival in the hunter gatherer sense of the word?"  
  
"No" I haphazarded.  
  
"Fuck no... so what does that make us?"  
  
"Um.... consumers?"  
  
"Exactly...." He continued on... "War... sickness.... poverty...strife....even Third impact..... these things do not concern me...... what does concern me is TV with 10,000 channels and nothing on.... celebrity magazines... hot cars.... hot girls..."  
  
"Martha Stewart" I added.  
  
"Fuck Martha Stewart.... She was polishing brass on the Titanic.... before second impact.... now she's probably polishing pewter in hell for all I give a shit."  
  
He continued on "My point is we're all fucked up.... and it's never gonna change... it's human nature..."  
  
We talked late into the night... and through several pitchers of watered down sake.  
  
Finally it was time to end this... "It's getting late I think I should go find a hotel..."  
  
"Just ask man" he said.  
  
"What?" I asked.  
  
"Cut the foreplay man and just ask..."  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"You asked me here because you needed a place to stay..."  
  
"Is that a problem...?" I asked.  
  
"Is it a problem for you to ask?"  
  
I asked "Can I stay at your place?"  
  
"sure" he said quickly, unimpiortantly as he walked out the door.  
  
I followed him... " There's only one thing I'm gonna ask of ya"  
  
"What?" I asked.  
  
"I want you to hit me as hard as you can"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I said I want you to hit me as hard as you can... I'm 17 and I don't have a scar on my body"  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"Have you ever been in a fight?" He asked.  
  
"No, unless you count eva but isn't that a good thing?" I asked.  
  
"Me neither, Fuck no.... how much do ya know about yourself if ya never been in a fight... So hit me.... quick before I lose my nerve."  
  
I gave up and wound up my fist as hard as I could and aimed a shot towards his stomache.... but I missed by a mile....  
  
"Fuck!!!..... YOu got my right in the fuckin nuts man"  
  
"I'm sorry gomen... you told me to hit you!!...."I said worried.  
  
"Nah man it was perfect," he said as he socked me right square in the fuckin nose.  
  
I fell back on the ground... my nose bleeding worse than Tenchi Muyou in the average episode ((a hell of a lot)).  
  
"Damn man I think you broke my nose....it's cool though," I said as I kicked his legs out from under him.... he fell down and cracked his head against a dumpster with a loud wet slapping noise.  
  
He got back up and said "Damn man thats what I'm talking about... hit me again."  
  
"No you hit me"  
  
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We continued on like that until both of us were bloody messes...... then we drunkenly made our ways to his home... or where he lived anyways. He lived in a huge house that was so fucking old and in such bad condition it made Rei's place look damn near wholesome.... hell having it detroyed in an angel fight would probably have been an improvement....  
  
I wasn't sure if he owned that place or if he was squatting... neither would have surprised me.  
  
He pointed to a room that was to be mine with a "you"... then he stumbled off to his own room.  
  
I took a look around... 4 walls... partial roof....soiled matress... absolute freedom...... it was good enough for me. I fell on the matress without a second thought and was sound asleep in moments. 


End file.
